These Things
by Niilan
Summary: These things I'll never say. These things he must not know. These things he learned today.


Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Yu-gi-oh.

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I stared at my desk, the blank paper glaring up at me… taunting, warning, pleading. Pleading me to give up the foolish idea. Warning me of the danger I knew too well. Taunting me that I had no backbone. I was an idiot. I knew it well. After all, he'd told me that who knows how many times.

The pencil was moistening from the sweat in my hand. I tried to press it toward the paper and pull it back all in one motion. It didn't move. The clock was ticking. Bakura wouldn't be quiet forever.

I finally threw down the pencil and jumped out of the chair. Halfway across the room, though, I paused and looked back at the white paper, illuminated by my desk lamp. I had to do it. If I didn't, Bakura would eventually feel the tension within me and discover my thoughts through- I shuddered. I didn't even want to image what he might do.

I sighed and slowly returned to my seat. I had no choice. Picking up the pencil, I again stared at the paper. Everything… every sentence, every word, every stroke was clearly etched into my mind. Yet, I hesitated. I groaned. This is why he mocked me. I didn't have to courage to even write my thoughts.

But who could blame me?

With a final exhale, I touched the lead to the paper… and began.

_I've always been lonely. I've always been unwanted. The only family I have left is my Dad… and even he is never here for me. However, I had learned to deal with it, learned to deal with the ache in my heart._

_But I was a fool. You've said so yourself a million times, right? I thought I could handle my grief. To the world, I did. But when I was alone… when no one was there to hear my anguished cries… I was broken._

_I am not as weak as you say I am. I survived over half my life in solitude, didn't I? That was nothing, though. I didn't know what misery meant. Not until you came._

_Dad sent you as a gift… but I unwrapped a curse. I didn't know. I was innocent, then. I thought I had a friend. I should laugh at my stupidity, but that would only make me sound like you. You were my comfort and my guide… now you are the last person I want to turn to. Every time I look at you, I'm overcome by fear. You never smile, you sneer. You never laugh, you cackle. Your eyes never sparkle with joy, they glint with cruelty when your victim is at your mercy._

_I know this all, but I have to ask…_

_Why do you hate me?_

_Why do you hate me? Why are you never proud of your Hikari, as you call me? Why is it never a compliment that reaches my ear? Why is it always an order or a harsh chide? I can only bring you two emotions (the only ones I think you are capable of): amusement and anger. Why is it usually the latter? Why can't I please you? You say it is because I am weak. You blame me for your difficulties and every wrinkle in your plans. It is always my fault. You hate me._

_But do you know something else?_

_I hate you, too._

_I hate you more than I think you could hate me. You betrayed me. You hurt me every day. If I say or think something slightly against your views, you torture me; mentally or physically, it doesn't matter. It hurts all the same. Everything hurts; my body, my mind, my heart. I hate you, and want you to leave. In the deepest reaches of my mind, where you never search, I am yelling at you, ordering to disappear forever._

_I wish I had the courage. I want to scream at you, tell you it's my life and I want it back. Tell you I despise you, and shout at your face._

_But I never will. You terrify me. The very idea of you sends shivers down my spine. If it was your goal to frighten me out of ever opposing you, you have succeeded wonderfully. I won't resist you, not to your face. However, it is still my mind, and in it, I hate you._

_I won't let this go on forever. You never reach to the farthest places of my mind, because you think I your pathetic Hikari has nothing to hide. I do! I won't let you continue to hurt my friends. You're right, I am unable to fight you off by myself. But, I know you better than anyone. I'll find a way to speak to Yuugi. I'll make my hidden will stronger than your pain. One day… one day when you have pressed so hard I can only push back. Remember Monster World? I have opposed you before, and I will do it, again._

_Yet, that day is far in the future. You should be happy…_

_I don't know what you would do if you ever discovered my feelings, nor do I wish to contemplate. You hate me and I hate you; perhaps we are more alike than you think. But you must never know these things I can't bring myself to speak. Perhaps I'll burn this when I am finished…_

I stopped, allowing my hand to relax. I was still shaking, but it felt better to have everything written. I scanned the paper. Every single emotion flared within me, then I quickly ripped my eyes away. I couldn't alert Bakura. If he ever saw this-

'What are you writing?'

I started and spun around, falling backwards out of the chair. Bakura, in his ethereal form, corked an eyebrow and smirked.

'Caught you doing something you shouldn't, have I?'

I shook my head, my eyes never leaving his. "N-No, you just startled me." I placed a hand on my chest. "Please don't do that."

'Mm-hmm.' His gaze swept back toward the paper. 'Then what were you writing?'

I leapt up before my emotions connected with my brain, and swiped the testimony from the desk.

My eyes shone like a beacon of my guilt.

'Ryou, don't play games. You know you won't win.'

I pressed the paper to my chest and stepped back. "It's personal."

Bakura shook his head, a small smile curling his lips. 'Will you never learn? 'Personal' loses its meaning when you share a body.'

I took another step back. "It's nothing."

'It is obviously more than nothing if you are so against showing me.'

I didn't respond. I didn't know how. I could see the impatience rising in Bakura's eyes.

He held out his hand. 'Give it to me.'

I shook my head slowly and retreated yet another step.

His brow creasing, Bakura growled, 'Foolish Hikari! I will not tolerate this insubordination! Give the paper to me.'

I couldn't move. My mind was frozen with fear. The idea of Bakura reading the paper was more terrifying than his current fury.

Bakura hissed through gritted teeth and stalked forward. Before I could react, he snatched the paper, but I did not loosen my grip. Then I acted with courage unknown to me… something I would have never done if given the luxury of hesitation.

I shoved Bakura back and transformed the paper into confetti. My chest heaving, I let the remnants of my sanity fall to the ground. Bakura stared at me. His eyes veiled, I couldn't discern if he was more shocked or enraged.

Then, Bakura's face darkened. His arm shot out, and he grabbed the collar of my shirt. He held me a few inches from his face.

'What are you thinking, baka?' He yelled. 'Do you think your blatant disobedience will go unnoticed?' He lifted me off the ground. 'I'll ask you one more time: what were you writing?'

I did not answer… I couldn't.

His eyes narrowed, my Yami clenched his fist and threw me against the wall. My back coursed with pain on impact, and I cried out. I slid to the floor.

Bakura loomed above me. 'You are altogether too insolent and rebellious. What the heck is going through your mind?'

I shied away from his piercing gaze and bit my lip. Tears of panic sprung into my eyes.

'Fine, if you wish to do this the hard way, I will comply. I never thought you were this brainless, but if you won't simply tell me what is spurring your rebellion, then I will extract it.'

My head snapped up. "No, Bakura! Don't!"

'Will you tell me?'

"No!" I shouted in desperation.

'Then shut up.'

The breath caught in my throat, and my eyes widened. The Millennium Ring glowed. Then I screamed. Pain raced through my temples, Bakura barging into my mind. I clutched my head, a vain attempt to relieve the crushing pressure.

"Bakura, stop!"

He ignored me, pressing forward to his goal. I immediately threw up mental barriers around my memory of the paper, but my Yami shattered them the next instant. His presence seeped into the molds of every word so clearly burned into my mind's eye.

At first, a thin smirk was Bakura's only expression. Then, his eyes narrowed, and his invisible hand compressed around my head. I cringed. He hissed, and pain shot through my body, racking my bones in agony. The edges of my vision blurred.

Suddenly, the room echoed with Bakura's deafening cackle. I screamed as it split through my head, and pressed my hands to my temples. It hurt.

The next moment, though, torture changed its meaning.

Bakura's mad grin melted, his eyes darkening in reflection to his wicked soul. I felt his rage subtly in the back of my mind. Then my head exploded with a fresh wave of pain, and I cried out in anguish. My body shrieked, ripped open by an endless shower of daggers tearing mercilessly through my flesh. I shook my head wildly, trying to force out the pain.

After one more agonizing jab, Bakura retreated from my mind. The pain slowly drained from my body, but as a stream drags along stones in a riverbed, the diminishing pain robbed me of energy. My mind swam, and I slumped forward, but a hand broke my fall.

Bakura grabbed my throat and slammed me back against the wall. I cried out as light exploded behind my eyes, pain adopting colors. Narrowing his eyes, my Yami tightened his grip.

'I remember it very well, my insolent little Hikari. When victory was one mere step from my grasp, you interfered. You had the spine to oppose me.'

I wedged my fingers between my skin and Bakura's hand, clamped down to block the passage of air.

'Now, you wish to revive that backbone? Foolish, Bakura Ryou. Foolish, indeed.'

He balled his free hand into a fist, and it shot forward, a leaded bullet to my abdomen. I would have exclaimed if I had a voice to summon. My mouth opened in a breathless cry. Another followed when Bakura's hand lashed across my cheek, his fingernails slicing the pale skin. Why? Why did an ethereal Spirit's physical punishment ache so?

The objects in my room meshed into a gray blur. I pulled weakly at Bakura's clutch. I needed to breathe…

Suddenly, my Yami released me, and I crumpled onto the floor, gasping for air. He towered above me.

'Hear me clearly, Ryou. I will not tolerate defiance, especially from a weak-minded worm such as you.'

I pushed myself unto my hands and knees. "I'm… I'm not weak… minded."

Bakura rammed his foot into my side, leveling my body once more with the ground. 'Idiotic Hikari! From where did this rebellion spark all of the sudden?'

I threw up my head and met my Yami's glare. "It was always there! I've concealed it in the places of my mind you don't search, it's always been there, yearning for a moment of freedom."

'You speak too boldly.'

"You have already uncovered my secret!" I shouted despite the fears that longed to sew my lips together. "What more do I have to lose by voicing myself now?"

A heinous smirk twisted Bakura's mouth. 'Oh, my ignorant Hikari… you know nothing. You declare yourself with audacity, yet your mind is oblivious to the consequences.'

I shrunk back against the wall, willing my thin frame to melt into the solid barrier. "Wh-What do you mean…?"

'You have no conception of what true pain is, my misinformed little Hikari. You have never experienced the excruciating torture of being torn body from mind,' He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. 'Never had your soul shredded…' A small smirk played with his lips.

I sucked in a breath.

He chuckled. 'Fortunately for you, I neither have the capacity nor the interest to make you suffer that fate.' His eyes narrowed. 'However, I have several other means at my disposal. I will not allow your blatant insubordination go unpunished.'

I hugged my knees to my chest, trying to cage in what little courage I retained. I would not apologize. I couldn't.

Bakura noticed this continued diversion from my normal submissiveness and frowned. He looked down at the scattered remains of my testimony. 'When it is discovered that a corporation is involved in illegal practices, what do they do?'

I stared blankly at his emotionless eyes.

'They destroy all traces. One would say you have done that, already. Yet, rebellion remains in your heart, my Ryou." He looked back at me. "Now, if the government apprehends the culprits, what is it to do?'

I shook my head slowly, dumbfounded by Bakura's nonchalant interrogation.

'They too wish to get rid of all traces. However, there must be some record of punishment, so that the practices are not reinstituted in the future. They erase the motives and intentions from their files, yet mark that there was a situation.'

I blinked. I didn't understand. What did Bakura's random hypothetical situation mean? What was he talking-?

Then it clicked. My eyes widened as I absorbed the gravity behind Bakura's hidden meaning.

Seeing I finally understood him, a sneer grew on my Yami's face. He laughed. 'You see, my little Hikari? You have never provoked me to exercise serious restraint. Shall we test it out?'

I sprang to me feet and rushed forward. "No, Bakura! Don't, please, don't!"

I touched his arm, but he swatted me away like a noisome fly. I stumbled to the side, my back striking the corner of my desk. Grimacing, I fell forward, panting for breath. I bit back a cry as my Yami grabbed my long hair and yanked back. He no longer smiled. Terror gripped my mind, an immeasurable horror as I read Bakura's plan in his heartless eyes.

"Please, Bakura," I pleaded. "Don't-"

Bakura twisted his hand, and a yelp escaped my lips. 'Shut up, baka na Hikari! You wanted to know why I hate you, right? It is because you are a pathetic and foolish weakling incapable of anything!'

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I breathed strenuously through clenched teeth. "I… I wrote… the paper." I spoke with feigned confidence. "I'll make it true."

Bakura shoved my head back, releasing my hair, and straightened. 'You won't remember your stupid paper.'

My mind was suddenly overwhelmed in dizziness. The Millennium Ring burned, the heat scorching the skin beneath my shirt. I retched, and kneeled over, clutching my stomach. Why did it feel like this? Nausea was never a side effect when Bakura erased my memory before.

Bakura answer my unspoken question. 'I am not merely erasing your memory of this night, Hikari. In fact, you will remember the pain vividly.' He leaned down, his menacing words slithering their doom into my ears. 'I'm stealing the memory of your rebellion.'

My breaths were unsteady, and my eyes lost focus. Suddenly, sheer agony streaked through my head, tearing through my mind. I shrieked and threw my head back. My mind screamed for relief from the torture as my thoughts were ripped from my memory. Agonizing tremors coursed my body, striking nerves like blades pierced flesh. I could feel Bakura's pleasure in my agony.

Then, it was gone. I gasped for breath, then fell forward, and my world went black.

* * *

I groaned. My head throbbed, and my chest hurt. Slowly adjusting myself against my desk, I rubbed my head.

What happened…?

The chair was leaning against my bed, and items were scattered across my desk. As I looked around my empty room, my eyes fell on a pile of tore paper remains at my feet. Did Bakura do this?

'You've awakened?'

I pivoted toward the voice. Bakura leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest and a sardonic smirk twisting his mouth.

'Remember anything?'

I looked away. Images raced before my mind's eye. A blank sheet of paper… Bakura assaulting me… excruciating pain… dreadful terror. Bakura's threats rang in my ears, and I realized what happened. My Yami had robbed me of the memory of what had angered him… yet let me retain the consequence.

'Perhaps you'll think twice before undermining me, again.'

He evaporated, disappearing into the Millennium Ring hanging around my neck. Tears formed in my eyes as hopelessness settled on my shoulders, and I pulled my knees to my chest.

I felt cold.

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Author's Notes: Oh, I love writing Ryou-Bakura fics! Inspired by Unique Art's _If Only_.

Please review.

You know you want to.


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